Marriage, adultery, and so forth are very hot topics, especially when it comes to the bible & religion in general. In fact, those are some of the most searched terms on Google.com.
I have already written a couple of posts about adultery and marriage, all within the context of Christianity & the Bible.
I recently had someone ask me a question in reference to one of those articles, and I thought I would take the time to explain my reasoning, and also clear up my views on the whole topic. Here is the question I received:
I was reading your questions on divorce and adultery. You stated that if we truly repent, then we can be forgiven. I’m confused. I thought repentance meant to turn from and not do again. If you remain in a adulterous marriage, how can you truly repent since you continue the sin everyday?
–Gail
My Personal Views on Marriage and Divorce and Adultery?
First, just to clarify my stance on divorce and adultery. I am strongly opposed to divorce. I was raised by a mother who divorced my father (who then left the state and never really had anything to do with me again). So I was raised by a single mother, and I missed out on knowing what it is like to have a dad.
So I know first-hand the negative things that come from an ended marriage. In my mother’s case, there was no adultery involved. They just didn’t get along any more (I guess). But in any event, my life was hurt because of it, and to this day I still regret their choices.
God makes it clear that he hates divorce, and that is not the way he meant for a marriage to end. So I too hate divorce. My wife and I have been together for 8 years (and only married 3 1/2). We both agree that divorce is terrible, and the only way our marriage will end is in death (and even then we will be together in heaven).
Adultery or anything else is no option, and I take that command extremely seriously. My wife and I have made a commitment to ourselves & God to try our best to follow His plan in all things.
So please understand that I am very anti-divorce. It harms families. It harms kids. It harms finances. There is nothing positive that comes from a selfishly motivated divorce. I am just as strongly against adultery, and it saddens me to find out that someone has done such a thing.
How Can One Repent from Adultery Already Committed?
With all of that being said, the bible does actually condone divorce in extreme situations. As I mentioned in one of the other posts, Jesus himself gives an acceptable reason to divorce (sexual immorality). The apostle Paul also says we don’t have to remain with unbelievers (but can if we choose). This is very straight-laced scripture here, and there is no wiggle room to argue otherwise.
So while divorce is a terrible option that is being over-used for selfish reasons in our society today, the bible does accept divorce on acceptable grounds (acceptable to God, not society). And the bible tells us what God finds acceptable and what He does not. Furthermore, even though someone may go through with a divorce (in a way contradictory to scripture), we are left wondering how this situation should be handled if they were remarried and turned their life to God. Again, let me present 2 scenarios here.
Scenario 1
Bob is married to Jane. Bob cheats (commits adultery) on Jane with his secretary (Samantha). In this situation, Bob has clearly committed the sin of adultery. So how can Bob repent of this? To repent, Bob must turn away from this activity (stop the inappropriate relationship with Samantha), and must be reconciled with his wife and to God. This is true repentance, and I don’t think anyone would disagree with that. This is all assuming that they never divorced during this process. Now, Jane can choose to forgive Bob, or she can divorce him (according to Jesus’ own lips). That is her choice to make.
Okay, now let us talk about about your specific question: An “adulterous” marriage–which means a marriage based on adultery. How can one repent in a situation where a divorce has already happened, and a person then goes on and remarries (which the bible says we shouldn’t do and we commit adultery if we do it). Again, I will cite the bible for a perfect example.
King David committed a pretty nasty sin(s). He seen a naked woman (Bathsheba), liked what he saw, and wanted her. So he seduced her (Adultery), had her husband killed (Murder), and then did not repent from this for a long time. He then proceeded to take Bathsheba as his wife. In other words, this is a perfect Biblical example of an adulterous & murderous marriage that is certainly not a great union in God’s eyes.
So let us see how this situation should be handled after one repents. David continues the marriage and as far as we are told, never repents. But then, Nathan (David’s Seer/Prophet), uses a brilliant story of a man and his lamb to show David his own sin with Uriah and Bathsheba. David is shocked to find his sin revealed in this way and then feels terrible, and repents to God, and his son with Bathsheba is taken by God as a result of this sin.
Stop right here: David is in a marriage grounded on murder and adultery. So you ask me how to repent from an adulterous marriage. This story (found in 2 Samuel 12) tells us how. David repented and grieved. He experienced a consequence from his sin (death of his child).
So what does David do now? After all, this is the big daddy King of Israel who is after God’s own heart. We know King David is considered to be going to heaven (by most people), which means he didn’t die with sin left on him. Does he divorce Bathsheba and send her away? Nope. In fact look at 2 Samuel 12:24 (which right after his kid dies):
Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and went in to her and lay with her; and she gave birth to a son, and he named him Solomon. Now the LORD loved him and sent word through Nathan the prophet, and he named him Jedidiah for the LORD’S sake.
Yes, you read it correctly, David sleeps with Bathsheba right after this. Not only that, but he remains married to her his entire life. In fact, on his death-bed we find Bathsheba persuading David to give the crown to Solomon, and he does! How does God feel about this? We are told he LOVES Solomon. He even blesses this child.
Now what are we to make of this man who is after God’s own heart. We are told he repented on a couple of different occasions (such as when he takes the census). Yet, he remains married to her. Obviously God (or Nathan) would have told David to divorce her if it was necessary to refrain from sinning again. I mean, was David trapped in a sin of adultery for the rest of his life by staying with Bathsheba? He even has sex with her again (as noted above).
So what is going on here? Is David still committing adultery by remaining with Bathsheba or not? Should David and Bathsheba split up and remain unmarried at this point? Should David dig up Uriah’s body and give Bathsheba back to him? What does God have planned now?
The answer is this: When David repented from the sin, he was forgiven by God for all of his past sins. The bible says when we truly repent, God does not remember our sins. They are GONE. He remembers them NO MORE.
However, keep in mind that David has already been married to Bathsheba at this point. So his prior sins are forgiven and forgotten, and David is left with a new marriage in which all sins have been forgiven in the eyes of God. In other words, this marriage is now deemed Holy and appropriate in God’s sight.
So David is no longer in the sin of adultery. What is adultery? Having sex with another person outside of marriage. As long as David does not have sex outside of his newly formed marriage again, he isn’t committing adultery. It is as simple as that. Because he was forgiven, his current marriage was now sanctified by God. David and Bathsheba were yoked together in a bond before God, and they continue life with a clean slate. Their remaining in marriage is not deemed a sin right here, and in fact is blessed because they truly repented. If it were a sin to remain married to a person who you originally had an adulterous relationship (like David), then I guess David and even Jesus are in for a big shocker when David is cast into the lake of fire, because he obviously never repented of it.
The bottom line is that David is no longer committing adultery with Bathsheba as long as he is faithful to her. So in this context, repentance means he apologizes to God for his prior activity (which is forgiven), and turns away from future adultery by not committing it again with another woman. Now this also gets a bit sticky because they practiced polygamy at the time (which is a different issue altogether). But we can apply this exact situation to today’s situations.
Was David’s marriage to Bathsheba based on good circumstances? Of course not. Its foundation was adultery and murder. But what should David really do at this point? Divorce her? What good does that do?
I’ll tell you what good it does when people get a frivolous or nonsense divorce: It breaks up homes, it puts financial strain on people, it commits yet another sin (since they will have to get another divorce on yet another unbiblical ground), it emotionally scars children for life, etc. Does God command David to divorce her? Not at all. In fact, he even now blesses this marriage, and sets up a Kingdom through David and Bathsheba’s marriage (King Solomon).
So the answer to your question of repentance is this: If a person has been newly married (even based on bad or sinful pretenses), repentance means an apology for the past behavior, and a turning away from any future cases of adultery with the new marriage. What is a future case of adultery? Sex with a woman outside of the current marriage. It is clear to see that David’s marriage was sanctified by God after repentance.
One more time, just to illustrate. Scenario 2:
Bennie is married to Sarah. Bennie and Sarah get a divorce for a frivolous (unbiblical) reason. That was a sin. They have done wrong. Let’s assume they weren’t religious, or perhaps lost their faith.
Bennie then goes on to sleep with a few women. Yet another sin. He then finds a new girl (Autumn). He marries Autumn. This is again another sin as the bible says the divorced shouldn’t marry if it was an unbiblical divorce as they are committing adultery.
Then one day, he regains his faith (or turns to God) and repents to God for his sins. All of his sins are forgiven (as the bible clearly tells us). His new marriage is now sanctified by God, and repentance means he turns away from any further adultery (and all other sins). He is to remain faithful to Autumn, and sin no more. It would be ridiculous to assume God wants Bennie (a newly repented and forgive person) to divorce his current wife. Especially since he surely didn’t seem to mind after David repented.
I hope that clears up any confusion. Just as in David’s case, we are forgiven for our sins, and they are remembered no more. To repent means to turn away from future cases of that sin. To turn away from future cases of adultery means to not have adultery outside of the current marriage arrangement again. The old marriage has passed away, as did the old sins when a person repents, and the new marriage is now sanctified.
Obviously, people should not sin to start with, right? As we have seen from all of this, there will always be a consequence to pay for sinning. But when a sin has already been committed, we must use the bible as a tool to guide us through what should be done. Also, we must be careful to avoid playing the “sin and repent later” game. We can’t say to ourselves, “Gee, I really want to do this. I will go ahead and sin and then repent later and it will be all good.” It doesn’t work that way. You can’t con a God who knows your thoughts folks.
Any anyone on here just lurking for a reason to divorce your spouse, please, follow God’s plan for your life. Do God’s will. You picked your spouse, stick with’em.
Based on the scripture and example I presented above, we not only see that God forgave David’s sin of an adulterous and murderous marriage, but God even goes as far as to bless this marriage by establishing David’s heir to the throne through Solomon (as opposed to children he had from other wives). All of this, even though David never divorces Bathsheba. Again, it is pretty clear to see that it would be quite ridiculous for him to divorce her at this point, and not even God or Nathan recommends this action throughout David’s entire life.
Conclusion: Final Thoughts on Marriage, Divorce, and Repentance
All sins are bad. All sins have bad consequences. But sins can be forgiven, and folks this includes adultery. If not, then we are all in trouble because we have all sinned. Sin should be avoided in the first place, because that guarantees there will be no difficult circumstances to deal with such as the example of David.
Marriage is a very serious vow. It is a bond between a man and a woman for a lifetime. God loves marriage, and hates divorce. Divorce should always be avoided. If a couple has a problem, they should pray, read scripture, and seek the help of a pastor, or marriage counselor to try and reconcile their problems. Divorce should never be considered unless a terrible sin was committed by the other spouse, and even then I hope the couple tries to work through it and forgive if possible.
Adultery also is terrible. It produces children who will suffer without a proper family structure. It creates pain in the hearts of the other people who experience this sin. But can adultery be forgiven? If not, please show me a scripture that says it can’t be forgiven, because the last time I checked sins are forgiven by God with true repenting. Also, please explain why God then sanctified David’s marriage after his genuine repentance. If this was inappropriate, he should have commanded David to leave Bathsheba. It isn’t like David was short on wives (he had others). He could have made any of David’s other sons heir to the throne. But God didn’t. He chose Solomon.
What is repentance? It is turning away from sin. How can a sinner who has remarried wrongfully repent of adultery (if the marriage is based on adultery to begin with)? Simply ask for forgiveness, and then don’t commit adultery (sex outside of the current marriage) ever again. That is biblical, and it makes common sense. It is clear to see that God can forgive any sin.
A marriage founded on any sin is terrible. But then again, any sin can be forgiven if we truly repent and are genuine in our hearts. Again, the best answer is to never ever do the sin at the beginning, and this won’t be an issue at all.
Thanks again for the question!