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I had a great question come in yesterday regarding divorce and adultery, which is a huge issue in both Christianity and the world today. Here is the question:

I have been married for 13 years with 3 children(DNA proven)
I am totally faithful to my wife since we got married and my vows are clean till now. 10 years ago my wife went to sleep with a married man from 1999-2002.

Since 2002 she break ties with the lover after the abortion.
They slept 5x together and the fifth time my wife invited him to our home when I was away. The end scenario my wife got pregnant,took my money and Abort the baby for fear of being caught or loosing me.

Since then,it has been kept secret and I never knew about it. Last month I got a hint from a friend, I asked my wife and she confess to all and ask for forgiveness. I am a believer and i know i have biblical grounds for divorce.

The question is, CAN I FORGIVE HER BUT NOT STAYED MARRIED TO HER?

She said she is sorry but I don’t believe she is sorry because I found out and thats where the confession came.
Please help.

—Jacky

First of all, thanks so much for sharing your problems and for taking the time to write out your question. I know that when someone commits adultery, it can be one of the most terrible feelings in the world for the innocent spouse.

I know that finding out all of that information must have been devastating to you and your family. I just want to let you know that God is with you through all of this pain and frustration, and in the end it will all be okay.

This is a great question, and I would like to address several things about this.

What Your Wife Did Was Totally Wrong

Adultery is obviously a big thing the bible preaches against, and this example shows exactly why. I get a lot of people reading articles on this site about marriage and adultery, so I just want to briefly point out all the hurt this sin has caused (and why people should never do this):

• Your wife has hurt you
• Your wife has probably hurt your children
• Your wife killed an innocent child with abortion
• The person your wife was cheating with may be hurt
• There may be even more damage to come

Sin is like a cancer, and it spreads and hurts more and more people. I just point all of this out, for the simple reason that I want people to really see what happens when they choose to partake in the sin of adultery. I hope all people guard themselves against this sin (and all sin), as it never leads to a positive outcome.

Again, I want to commend you and thank you if you have truly been faithful, and don’t forget that God sees your faithfulness and will judge you by your faith and obedience!

Can You Forgive Your Wife and Still Divorce Her?

The bible does have much to say about forgiveness. It constantly says we are to forgive others as God forgives us. After all, if God truly forgives us for the many sins we commit, shouldn’t we also forgive others against the sins they do to us as well? Sure. Here are some verses that deal with forgiveness:

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’” (Matthew 18:21-22 ).

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14).

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Does Forgiveness Mean You Have To Remain Married? What Does Forgiveness Mean Anyway?

Forgiveness is an interesting thing to consider, because many times I think Christians often wonder, “What is true forgiveness?” Can we forgive someone, but still demand certain things? Can we forgive someone, but avoid allowing the same thing to happen again?

These are all interesting things to consider, but first let me define forgiveness. Here are a few definitions of the word forgiveness from the web:

•compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive
•the act of excusing a mistake or offense
•Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. …

So we see that forgiveness often means the willingness to excuse a mistake, and to not have feelings of resentment, anger, or plans to get revenge. I think the biblical meaning of forgiveness can be summarized by the following:

1. We have compassion towards people and make an honest attempt to let past mistakes “go” and forget about them the best we can and love them again.
2. We do not seek to “get even” or make revenge against someone, vengeance is God’s.
3. In some cases we should no longer expect a person to be punished, but in many cases (even though we forgive), consequences still happen as a result of the sin.

Examples Of Forgiveness with Consequences as a Result of Sin

Even though we are to forgive people as God forgives us, we should also look at God’s actions to help us get a better understanding of what Godly forgiveness is all about.

One thing that we will immediately see is that even though God forgives us for our sins (meaning he holds no record of them in the judgment), we still have to deal with consequences of our actions. Consider these examples:

Adam and eve sinned against God. I think we can all agree that Adam and Eve most likely repented during their life. Did God forgive them? Doesn’t he forgive us all? Yet notice this: He never let them back into the garden, and they had a sharp consequence that lasted their entire lives (death, childbirth pain, struggles, etc.).

Moses sinned against God when he hit the rock with a stick to make water come out (without giving God the credit), and what happened? God didn’t allow Moses to enter the Holy land. He only was able to see it before dying. Yet didn’t God forgive Moses? Surely. But once again, even though God forgave Moses, there was still a consequence of his sin.

David sinned against God when he numbered Israel. David repented, but notice that God still punishes him as a consequence. So in this case, God certainly forgives David, but David must still face a consequence of his sin against God.

In those same ways, I think as Christians we need to forgive all people. At the same time, sometimes the sin itself will make things change (sometimes for a lifetime), and that is a definite consequence of the sin that remains even after forgiveness.

Some More Extreme Examples of Forgiveness

Let’s say a child was molested by an adult. Should that child forgive them when they get older? Sure. Should that molester not face any consequences? Of course they should. Any molester should have to face the justice system of our courts. So even though the child can forgive them in his or her heart, they should NOT place themselves in a situation to be molested again by this person, and they should still report it to the authorities.

Or let’s say a person murdered someone. The victim’s family can forgive the murderer, but does that mean the murderer shouldn’t go to trial and then jail? I think we can all agree that even though the family forgives the murderer, they still must face the consequences of their sin.

And you ask if you can forgive an adulterous spouse, and still divorce them? I think the answer is: Yes, you can forgive someone, and still divorce them as a consequence of the sin. However, divorce may not be the best option, and you must be very cautious about this.

Is Divorce Always the Best Option? Should You Divorce Your Wife?

The bible certainly does say that if you have a spouse cheat on you (adultery), you can seek a divorce. That is God’s word, and God’s laws concerning marriage. But keep in mind that you aren’t required to do so. In fact, if you feel things can be worked out, that is usually the best option.

The tricky part of this situation is the time that has passed. You said you have been married for 13 years, your wife started to cheat 10 years ago, and continued the affair for 3 years (having 5 different times she did this). She stopped in 2002.

Okay, so if my math is right, for the last 7 years (it is now 2009) your wife has NOT been cheating to your knowledge. So what I would consider is this:

• How has your relationship been the past 7 years? Has it been loving and close, or distanced and not good?
• Is your wife willing to stop cheating forever?
• Is your wife genuinely sorry, or does she not really care?
• Do you still love your wife, and does your wife love you?
• Does your wife feel bad about everything and truly feel sorry and regret it?
• How has this affected your relationship, your kids, and so forth
• Are you both willing to work on your relationship and keep it?

I think you should really consider those things very carefully. If your wife is truly sorry, and this happened 7 years ago, perhaps she does feel guilty and wants to be with you.

If you were able to work it out, then I think that may be the best option, especially if your wife wants to remain with you and turn away from her sin. Sometimes a person may commit adultery, and feel terrible. They are able to work it out with their spouse, and the two people are able to move on and have a long and happy marriage.

Other times, the consequences of the adultery are so bad, that divorce is sometimes a better option. Sometimes couples can never overcome the adultery, and it is a constant strain and source of pain and conflict, and divorce eventually happens.

Again, you have children, and a lot of things to really consider. In most cases, divorce is not the best option if it can be avoided. But in some cases, perhaps a divorce would be appropriate.

Just consider all of the pain, frustration, and so forth that can arise during the divorce process. Also, consider how it may affect your children.

Conclusion: Some Final Words on Divorce, and Forgiveness

We are definitely commanded to forgive in the Bible. God forgives us, and we should forgive others. But when someone does something, we can forgive them, but that doesn’t erase the cause and effect consequences of that sin. And while me must forgive over and over, that does NOT mean we must always place ourselves in a situation to be hurt over and over.

God forgave a great many people, yet we see that He still forces us to face the Earthly cause and effect consequences in the examples I provided above.

Your wife certainly did wrong, and I know that must really hurt. You certainly can forgive your wife and still love her, while still exercising your biblical right to divorce.

However, it may not be the best option, especially if you feel your relationship can be resolved. I would pray very hard about this, read scriptures, and talk to Godly friends or a pastor to get more advice. I would be very slow to act, and I would do any and everything I could to resolve this and try to work things out with your wife. If things cannot be resolved, or your wife does this again, then divorce may be appropriate for you.

After all, you certainly wouldn’t want to risk contracting an STD (sexually transmitted disease) or something like this if your wife is not willing to stop this behavior. God has called us to peace and happiness friend.

So in conclusion, I hope everything works out for the best with you, your wife, and your children. I hope God is with you through this, and I am saying a prayer right now as I type this.

Stay strong to God’s word, and let Him guide you. Thanks again, and God bless!

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Whew, I have been so busy lately that I haven’t been blogging as much as usual. However, I am going to try and catch up over the next 2 or 3 days on a few questions and some things I have wanted to post about.

I have a question regarding faith and relationship problems. Here is the question:

Hi,

I have been recently browsing through some sites regarding Christianity in general to try to understand how it works.

I am a non-believer however my long term boyfriend is a strong Christian. We have had our differences but I believe that we have over come them and I am accepting of his beliefs.

Recently he has chosen to end our relationship due to fact he believes that our relationship has blurred his vision and turned him away. He has explained that he cannot be with a non-christian who does not have the same values as him. I am a good person, I believe in the values of Christianity I just do not believe in God and choose not to follow this religion, I have been brought up in a Roman Catholic family,I went to Catholic schools and went to church every weekend with my father until I was 18 I understand how it works and have adopted these values just not the religion itself.

How can I make him see that I am not a saint but not a sinner either and stop the discrimination and resent he has towards me?

–Jess

First, thanks so much for the question Jess. I really appreciate your taking the time to share your story! Inter-faith relationships are a big issue in the world, and it can have a big impact on relationships.

To first consider this whole situation, I would like to backup for a moment and discuss why faith is such a big deal in relationships, and why your boyfriend may feel the way he does.

Why Faith Is An Important Part of Relationships

Faith is but one component of a relationship, however, it is a very important one. Just consider for a moment how many things can affect a relationship in a big way.

Just consider career paths as an example. If one person wants a career traveling as a model, and the other person wants to pursue a career locally, that will create a division among the two  people. Either one will have to compromise to fit the other’s goals, or they will each pursue their own goals, and there will be a division or growing apart.

It is difficult to maintain a long-distance relationship, so it isn’t too hard to see that a strong difference in career paths can create tension and problems in a relationship.

Or consider money. One person may enjoy their low-paying job, and be content with what they have. Another may want a better lifestyle, and more money. Money and finances can also be a big cause of separation and conflict in a relationship.

So as you can see, there are so many things that can affect a relationship. However, faith is perhaps even more important than those other things. Why is that? Faith governs your entire life. It is the lens by which we look out and evaluate things.

So when people have 2 completely different world-views, it can create a very big conflict between them. One person may pray regularly, the other may think they are silly for praying. These things can lead to frustration and tension in a relationship.

Inter-faith relationships can and do sometimes workout, however, I would say that people that share the same faiths are generally going to be more close and have better chances of sticking together compared to those who do not.

Why Does Your Boyfriend Feel It May Be Best to Separate?

The bible does speak a great deal about interfaith marriages and relationships. I think if you can read and understand those verses, it will help you to understand why your boyfriend may feel the way he does.

I have written an article on this topic here, and it has quite a few of the scriptures so that you may get a better understanding of where he is coming from.

But let me just say that people rarely separate for just 1 reason. Usually there are several reasons why a person may choose to end a relationship. You did say you and your boyfriend have had many differences you have tried to resolve, so perhaps your boyfriend feels there are simply too many differences and that the relationship isn’t working out.

Faith is probably a big reason, but you also must consider the possibilities that you and your boyfriend perhaps don’t have as much in common as you think, or you may have had so many problems and conflicts, that your boyfriend may see that the relationship just won’t last a lifetime.

So I think it would be beneficial to sit down and have a long conversation with your boyfriend and discuss your feelings, and hear his feelings, and see why he feels he wants to break up. Is faith the only reason? Or is there more to it?

One of the BIG keys in a relationship is communication. My wife and I sometimes have differences, but we always sit down and maturely discuss things in depth. We always love each other and come to a compromise. That is the key to a successful relationship, and the bible has much to say on these principles.

Why Not Convert to Christianity or Believe in God?

You lost me on this one, because you start out saying you don’t know how Christianity works, and then you finish by saying you were Catholic until you were 18 and you do know how it works. So which is it? LOL.

Anyway, you say that you believe and follow the values of Christianity, but you don’t believe in God, and don’t follow it. So my question to you would be, Why Not?

Why don’t you believe in God? Why do you reject the idea of a following God? I know that many people are sometimes skeptical, or get confused about something and lose their faith.

But there more than enough reasons to believe God exists, and more than enough reasons to follow Christianity. Christianity does not require a blind faith. It is a logical and reasonable faith, with plenty of logic, reasoning, and evidence to support it.

If you believe and follow the values of Christianity, why not have faith in God as well?

Suppose one day you rented a car. And the car rental clerk told you that you get free insurance for the car you are renting, and all you have to do is simply check the box on the rental form.

You think about it for a while and say, “Nah, I don’t believe I will have a wreck.” The rental clerk looks at you and says, “But ma’am, the insurance is totally free, you just have to check the box.”

You then say, “Look, I believe in the values of driving safely, and I don’t break the law when I drive. But I just don’t believe in insurance, and so I will not check the box.”

I think we can all agree that there would be no real reason to neglect checking the box for the free insurance. If you wreck, you will regret not getting the free insurance. If you don’t wreck, it will give you peace of mind.

So if you believe and follow the values of Christianity, why not have faith God exists? Why not check the “faith box” and believe in God? Why not follow Christ?

Consider the Alternatives for a Moment

Just consider the pros and cons of believing in God and following Christ:

Pros:

• If God does exist (which I believe totally), then you have made the best decision in your life and avoided the consequences of rejecting God.
• You and your boyfriend may be able to have a stronger relationship and work things out.
• It may completely change your life for the better. When I made the firm decision to follow Christ, I can’t even explain how much it changed me and still changes me every day. It was by far the best decision I have ever made.

Cons:

• If you reject God, you may have to face judgement.
• If you reject God, it may continue to create conflict and problems in your relationship with your current boyfriend.
• You may never find the peace and comfort that so many get from following Christ.

My Challenge to You: Follow Christ and Give Yourself to God for 30 Days

I would challenge you to do this one thing: For 30 days, live your life as if God truly exists. Give complete faith to it. Completely follow all aspects of the faith. Have a totally open mind and simply give a good research effort into the faith.

At the end of the 30 days, see how you feel. Do you feel more positive? Do you feel as if you are gaining something from it? Do you feel the love working inside of you?

During this 30 days, try to really think of why you don’t believe in God. What is it? Do you believe in evolution? Do you think the bible is a bunch of myths? What are the reasons why you reject God?

Write those reasons down, and give an honest research effort to each of those questions. I will even be glad to answer any questions you may have. If you address every single reason why you have no faith, you may find that you that your lack of faith in God has no real basis.

In other words, you may find that the reasons you rejected God weren’t very good reasons, and in fact, it may make a lot more sense to follow God. And this won’t cost you 1 dime! You can do this for free, and see if it is worth committing your life to.

All I can say is that it was totally worth it for me, and every single person I have ever known that truly turned to God has been so much happier and complete as a person.

Conclusion: Final Words on Your Relationship and Faith

I would just like to say that I truly hope you and your boyfriend can resolve your differences. I do think you should try to understand why he feels the way he feels.

I think you should both try very hard to work things out, compromise, and communicate to resolve your differences. Faith is a big deal in relationships, and it sometimes creates such differences that people simply do not want to be together any more. And I certainly would recommend that people work these things out BEFORE ever considering marriage or children.

But in any event, I hope you and your boyfriend can resolve your differences and you are able to work things out. I wish you both the best of luck.

And finally, I hope you really consider evaluating your faith in God. Look at the reasons why you don’t believe and be critical of those reasons. Look at the evidence for God. And try to follow God and fully trust in His word for 30 days to see what happens.

I hope that you do turn your life to Christ, and I wish you the best of luck. Thanks again for the question, and God bless.

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Posted under bible questions, marriage and divorce