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I had a great question come in yesterday regarding divorce and adultery, which is a huge issue in both Christianity and the world today. Here is the question:

I have been married for 13 years with 3 children(DNA proven)
I am totally faithful to my wife since we got married and my vows are clean till now. 10 years ago my wife went to sleep with a married man from 1999-2002.

Since 2002 she break ties with the lover after the abortion.
They slept 5x together and the fifth time my wife invited him to our home when I was away. The end scenario my wife got pregnant,took my money and Abort the baby for fear of being caught or loosing me.

Since then,it has been kept secret and I never knew about it. Last month I got a hint from a friend, I asked my wife and she confess to all and ask for forgiveness. I am a believer and i know i have biblical grounds for divorce.

The question is, CAN I FORGIVE HER BUT NOT STAYED MARRIED TO HER?

She said she is sorry but I don’t believe she is sorry because I found out and thats where the confession came.
Please help.

—Jacky

First of all, thanks so much for sharing your problems and for taking the time to write out your question. I know that when someone commits adultery, it can be one of the most terrible feelings in the world for the innocent spouse.

I know that finding out all of that information must have been devastating to you and your family. I just want to let you know that God is with you through all of this pain and frustration, and in the end it will all be okay.

This is a great question, and I would like to address several things about this.

What Your Wife Did Was Totally Wrong

Adultery is obviously a big thing the bible preaches against, and this example shows exactly why. I get a lot of people reading articles on this site about marriage and adultery, so I just want to briefly point out all the hurt this sin has caused (and why people should never do this):

• Your wife has hurt you
• Your wife has probably hurt your children
• Your wife killed an innocent child with abortion
• The person your wife was cheating with may be hurt
• There may be even more damage to come

Sin is like a cancer, and it spreads and hurts more and more people. I just point all of this out, for the simple reason that I want people to really see what happens when they choose to partake in the sin of adultery. I hope all people guard themselves against this sin (and all sin), as it never leads to a positive outcome.

Again, I want to commend you and thank you if you have truly been faithful, and don’t forget that God sees your faithfulness and will judge you by your faith and obedience!

Can You Forgive Your Wife and Still Divorce Her?

The bible does have much to say about forgiveness. It constantly says we are to forgive others as God forgives us. After all, if God truly forgives us for the many sins we commit, shouldn’t we also forgive others against the sins they do to us as well? Sure. Here are some verses that deal with forgiveness:

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’” (Matthew 18:21-22 ).

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14).

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Does Forgiveness Mean You Have To Remain Married? What Does Forgiveness Mean Anyway?

Forgiveness is an interesting thing to consider, because many times I think Christians often wonder, “What is true forgiveness?” Can we forgive someone, but still demand certain things? Can we forgive someone, but avoid allowing the same thing to happen again?

These are all interesting things to consider, but first let me define forgiveness. Here are a few definitions of the word forgiveness from the web:

•compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive
•the act of excusing a mistake or offense
•Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. …

So we see that forgiveness often means the willingness to excuse a mistake, and to not have feelings of resentment, anger, or plans to get revenge. I think the biblical meaning of forgiveness can be summarized by the following:

1. We have compassion towards people and make an honest attempt to let past mistakes “go” and forget about them the best we can and love them again.
2. We do not seek to “get even” or make revenge against someone, vengeance is God’s.
3. In some cases we should no longer expect a person to be punished, but in many cases (even though we forgive), consequences still happen as a result of the sin.

Examples Of Forgiveness with Consequences as a Result of Sin

Even though we are to forgive people as God forgives us, we should also look at God’s actions to help us get a better understanding of what Godly forgiveness is all about.

One thing that we will immediately see is that even though God forgives us for our sins (meaning he holds no record of them in the judgment), we still have to deal with consequences of our actions. Consider these examples:

Adam and eve sinned against God. I think we can all agree that Adam and Eve most likely repented during their life. Did God forgive them? Doesn’t he forgive us all? Yet notice this: He never let them back into the garden, and they had a sharp consequence that lasted their entire lives (death, childbirth pain, struggles, etc.).

Moses sinned against God when he hit the rock with a stick to make water come out (without giving God the credit), and what happened? God didn’t allow Moses to enter the Holy land. He only was able to see it before dying. Yet didn’t God forgive Moses? Surely. But once again, even though God forgave Moses, there was still a consequence of his sin.

David sinned against God when he numbered Israel. David repented, but notice that God still punishes him as a consequence. So in this case, God certainly forgives David, but David must still face a consequence of his sin against God.

In those same ways, I think as Christians we need to forgive all people. At the same time, sometimes the sin itself will make things change (sometimes for a lifetime), and that is a definite consequence of the sin that remains even after forgiveness.

Some More Extreme Examples of Forgiveness

Let’s say a child was molested by an adult. Should that child forgive them when they get older? Sure. Should that molester not face any consequences? Of course they should. Any molester should have to face the justice system of our courts. So even though the child can forgive them in his or her heart, they should NOT place themselves in a situation to be molested again by this person, and they should still report it to the authorities.

Or let’s say a person murdered someone. The victim’s family can forgive the murderer, but does that mean the murderer shouldn’t go to trial and then jail? I think we can all agree that even though the family forgives the murderer, they still must face the consequences of their sin.

And you ask if you can forgive an adulterous spouse, and still divorce them? I think the answer is: Yes, you can forgive someone, and still divorce them as a consequence of the sin. However, divorce may not be the best option, and you must be very cautious about this.

Is Divorce Always the Best Option? Should You Divorce Your Wife?

The bible certainly does say that if you have a spouse cheat on you (adultery), you can seek a divorce. That is God’s word, and God’s laws concerning marriage. But keep in mind that you aren’t required to do so. In fact, if you feel things can be worked out, that is usually the best option.

The tricky part of this situation is the time that has passed. You said you have been married for 13 years, your wife started to cheat 10 years ago, and continued the affair for 3 years (having 5 different times she did this). She stopped in 2002.

Okay, so if my math is right, for the last 7 years (it is now 2009) your wife has NOT been cheating to your knowledge. So what I would consider is this:

• How has your relationship been the past 7 years? Has it been loving and close, or distanced and not good?
• Is your wife willing to stop cheating forever?
• Is your wife genuinely sorry, or does she not really care?
• Do you still love your wife, and does your wife love you?
• Does your wife feel bad about everything and truly feel sorry and regret it?
• How has this affected your relationship, your kids, and so forth
• Are you both willing to work on your relationship and keep it?

I think you should really consider those things very carefully. If your wife is truly sorry, and this happened 7 years ago, perhaps she does feel guilty and wants to be with you.

If you were able to work it out, then I think that may be the best option, especially if your wife wants to remain with you and turn away from her sin. Sometimes a person may commit adultery, and feel terrible. They are able to work it out with their spouse, and the two people are able to move on and have a long and happy marriage.

Other times, the consequences of the adultery are so bad, that divorce is sometimes a better option. Sometimes couples can never overcome the adultery, and it is a constant strain and source of pain and conflict, and divorce eventually happens.

Again, you have children, and a lot of things to really consider. In most cases, divorce is not the best option if it can be avoided. But in some cases, perhaps a divorce would be appropriate.

Just consider all of the pain, frustration, and so forth that can arise during the divorce process. Also, consider how it may affect your children.

Conclusion: Some Final Words on Divorce, and Forgiveness

We are definitely commanded to forgive in the Bible. God forgives us, and we should forgive others. But when someone does something, we can forgive them, but that doesn’t erase the cause and effect consequences of that sin. And while me must forgive over and over, that does NOT mean we must always place ourselves in a situation to be hurt over and over.

God forgave a great many people, yet we see that He still forces us to face the Earthly cause and effect consequences in the examples I provided above.

Your wife certainly did wrong, and I know that must really hurt. You certainly can forgive your wife and still love her, while still exercising your biblical right to divorce.

However, it may not be the best option, especially if you feel your relationship can be resolved. I would pray very hard about this, read scriptures, and talk to Godly friends or a pastor to get more advice. I would be very slow to act, and I would do any and everything I could to resolve this and try to work things out with your wife. If things cannot be resolved, or your wife does this again, then divorce may be appropriate for you.

After all, you certainly wouldn’t want to risk contracting an STD (sexually transmitted disease) or something like this if your wife is not willing to stop this behavior. God has called us to peace and happiness friend.

So in conclusion, I hope everything works out for the best with you, your wife, and your children. I hope God is with you through this, and I am saying a prayer right now as I type this.

Stay strong to God’s word, and let Him guide you. Thanks again, and God bless!

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I recently made a post addressing the question of whether or not Christians should have close friendships with non-Christians. So I thought I would go ahead and address the other major topic that often comes up: Dating & Marriage.

I think intimate relationships are very important, and faith DOES matter. After all, faith lays the foundation for your world-views, and world-views will control how you see and respond to the world, and that includes relationships.

But just like the friendship question, I think this too can have some factors that we need to consider. So what does the bible say about this?

Should Christians Date or Marry Non-Christians (or Unbelievers?) What Does the Bible Say?

To address this topic, I think we need to again classify things a bit. I think we can divide the issue into the following parameters to help us understand “Dating or Marriage”:

1. Christians merely casually dating or going on a date with a non-Christian (or unbeliever)
2. Christians who are heavily dating and/or considering marriage with a non-Christian (or unbeliever)
3. Christians who are already married to a non-Christian (or unbeliever), and converted after the marriage.

Luckily, this is one topic the bible does address directly, and I think we can reason with the scriptures to see what we should do. So first let us view the bible verses that directly address this topic:

Bible Verses that Discuss Christians Dating or Marrying Non-Christians

First, I think for a historical perspective we should jump back into the Old Testament for a moment. Does the Old Testament have anything to say about marriages among God’s people and unbelievers? Yes indeed:

“Furthermore, you shall not intermarry with them; you shall not give your daughters to their sons, nor shall you take their daughters for your sons.  Deuteronomy 7:3

“An alien living among you who wants to celebrate the LORD’s Passover must have all the males in his household circumcised; then he may take part like one born in the land. No uncircumcised male may eat of it. Exodus 12:48

These scriptures tell us that quite clearly even in the Old Testament God is very protective and serious about His followers being involved with people who did not follow God.

The bible (and Jewish tradition) DOES allow for marriage between a believer and outsider, BUT only if the outsider converts first. Only then will the marriage be condoned by God. Otherwise, they were (and still are) commanded not to marry Non-Christians/Unbelievers.

Also, just let me point out what happens sometimes when a believer marries a non-believer: It can lead people astray. Look at Solomon, the bible says his wives turned him towards other false gods and idols. That was a big “no-no.” So even the wise King Solomon made some mistakes in this regard, and that lets us see what can happen in that situation.

Now, let us skip to the New Testament for a few verses that directly deal with this issue. Here is what the Apostle Paul tells us regarding this matter:

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? 1 Corinthians 7: 12-16

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?   2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV)

Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”    1 Corinthians 15:33 (NIV)

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. 2 Timothy 3:1-5

I think it is pretty clear that Paul thinks Christians should limit association/closeness with unbelievers. At the same time, we see Paul recommending that those who are already married should stay married if they are happy.

Those are some great verses, and I think we can now address the main categories regarding dating and marrying between Christians and non-Christians one-at-a-time:

• Should a Christian go on a date with a person if they don’t know their faith?
• Should a Christian be seriously involved with and/or marry a person who rejects Christianity?
• Should a Christian who is already married leave an unbelieving spouse?

Is It Wrong for a Christian to Go On a Casual Date With an Unbeliever or Non-Christian?

I think that there is nothing wrong with a Christian going on friendly dates with people of other faiths (or no faith). This seems to fit in with the whole Christians being friends with non-Christian thing. I see nothing at all wrong with it.

At this very early stage of a relationship, things really aren’t serious and you may not even know what a person’s religious beliefs are. You may have just met someone or something, and want to know more about them. Perhaps they are a Christian. Perhaps a different faith. Perhaps they kinda believe in God, but aren’t sure. A date is a great way to find out!

Again, you may have just met a person and want to have a date to get to know more about them. I see no fault at all in this. Of course, when I say “date” I am not talking about a one night stand (obvious sin), nor am I talking about clubbing and partying with alcohol (could lead to the above sin). I am talking dinner, a movie, or something innocent along those lines.

So again, a casual date to get to know someone is perfectly fine. This way, you can determine if any attraction/feelings are there, what a person’s perspective on life is (their faith), and more. So on this I say go for it! Even if things do work out, you have at least gained a friend.

Should Christians Be Heavily Dating a Person Who Is Clearly Not a Christian?

After a few dates, a Christian will inevitably get to know a person’s beliefs, habits, and things like this. So this brings up an interesting question: What if the person is against Christianity? Should they continue to date them? Or should they slowly back off and just be friends?

Considering the scriptures above, I think 1 of 2 things needs to happen:

1. The Christian should really sit down and discuss and compare their beliefs. If the other person is against Christianity, then I think it may be best to remain friends.
2. Or, if the person is willing to follow God, then perhaps things can work out over time.

Why do I take such a seemingly “extreme” view on this? Well because the scriptures do. The scriptures make it clear not to be “yoked together” with people who are not interested in God’s will. We cannot think Paul is merely joking with us. That is a clear command.

Think about it: You are going to spend your whole life with this person. The divorce rate is high enough as it is (even among Christians). So would it be wise to go against God’s word and eventually get married or continue to heavily date those who are opposed to God’s will? I don’t think so. It doesn’t guarantee failure in a marriage, but I would dare say it increases the risk.

I mean that is the point of seriously dating: Marriage, sex and then family. So if the person is not interested in God’s will, you shouldn’t be interested in them (in terms of marriage). Why be yoked together with darkness?

So I think it would be wise to either get on the same page spiritually, or perhaps it would be best to simply be friends. Just consider for a moment the potential problems that can arise if a Christian dates a person who is not interested in God.

Disagreements will come up all the time: Things like sex, politics, and so forth can really create a division among people. A non-believer may try to get a believer to have premarital sex, or other things.

Plus, 1 of 3 things will HAVE to happen for the relationship to work:

1. The Christian will have to be slack on their beliefs in order to make “peace” with the non-Christian (or lose the faith all-together).
2. The non-Christian will have to be slack on their beliefs and put up with your Christian views (or convert to Christianity all-together).
3. Both will remain firm in their beliefs, and probably disagree on a great many things. If this is true, you may be able to maintain  a relationship, but it will be VERY difficult. It will probably eventually dissolve. In order for a marriage to last, both couples should be on the same page.

So I think that once a casual date or two starts to get more serious, people need to discuss these things and work them out early on. If they are able to get on the same page spiritually, then great. If not, I think a Christian should really consider the scriptures, and pray.

Remember, marriage is forever. It is a sacred union that God Himself ordained for the order of mankind. Marriage should be for life. If a person is strongly rejecting following God, is that someone you want to be with? Would you follow a man and not God?

So I think being friends may be a better option if 2 people cannot reconcile their religious beliefs to the point of satisfaction. I would certainly warn against rushing into a marriage, or having premarital sex.

What About Believers of Other Faiths (Jews, Muslims, etc.)?

If Christians are dating believers, but a believer of a different faith or denomination I think a marriage COULD work. However, I would warn that the farther apart the two are in beliefs, the harder it will be for them to maintain a marriage without one converting to the other faith.

For example, if there is a Baptist and a Methodist, I think they could easily stay married. If you have a Baptist and a Jehovah Witness, again it should work okay. If you have a Baptist and a Jew, then it may get much more difficult, however it could work.

In order for this to work, I think they would really have to just not discuss their differences, and instead just focus on the things they have in common (a belief in God). Or, one would have to convert to the other religion.

But overall, I think that the closer 2 people are in their beliefs, the better things will be. They will have less frustrations, and they will have a similar world-view.

What About Christians Who Convert After a Marriage? Should They Divorce Their Unbelieving Spouses?

If two non-Christians were married and eventually one converted, should the Christian leave the other non-Christian spouse? Mostly no. Paul addresses this in that scripture I provided above.

If the two people can live together in harmony and happiness, by all means PLEASE stay together. We have enough divorces these days, and enough homes are broken up over it. Paul says if they are happy they are made clean.

If, however, a person is really cruel, abusive, or something like that to the newly converted Christian, the Christian does NOT have to remain in the marriage. Paul clearly says that the Christian could leave in this circumstance. As Paul puts it “God has called us to peace.”

Let me stress that staying together at this point is HIGHLY recommended. Paul himself even says to do it. But if it just will not work, a divorce/separation could be a final option. Again, this is only in very extreme cases (mental abuse, physical abuse, etc.). Otherwise, the couples should work very hard to respect one another’s faith and views, and remain married. I would strongly recommend counseling or something like this to avoid divorce at all costs.

Will Christian & Non-Christian Marriage Combos Fail?

Not necessarily. I talk to several believers who are married to non-believers, and they maintain a successful marriage. They do have some problems or differences, but they are able to work it out. I think this is great.

On the flip side, I have known people who are religious, and married to unbelievers and their marriage has had very serious problems, some even ending in divorce. Each situation is different, and it all depends on the non-believers attitude/personality and exact views.

This all comes back to the world-view problem. A non-believer may not think it is such a big deal to look at porn, commit adultery, etc. I am not saying ALL non-believers are like this. But if they are not going by God’s morality code, whose are they following? See how that could create problems and divisions?

Again, I think that if this is known before-hand, two people should not enter into a marriage until they have this worked out. If they can respect each others views and love each other, a marriage may work (but it is more risky).

If they are already married, stay together at all costs. Only seek to separate in extreme circumstances.

What About Interracial Marriages? Should a White Christian Marry a Black Christian? What About Blue, Green, and Yellow Ones?

The whole entire article above is dealing with “religion,” and not “race.” I say race jokingly, because there is only 1 race: The human race. That is why I joking say, “Blue, Green, and Yellow” Christians.

The bible teaches we all came from 2 people (Adam and Eve). Therefore, we are all one people. All Christians are one body in Christ aren’t we? Sure are! The differences in skin color only arise from the variation within our genetic code (mostly melanin production). And no, that isn’t evidence of evolution! For information on why we have different skin colors, you can check out this article. It is nothing more than variation within a kind.

An important thing to note is the bible NEVER says anything against marrying people of different “race.” A dark skinned person is free to marry a light skinned, and everything in between.

In fact, Moses married an Ethiopian (which probably had much darker skin than him). Solomon married tons of women (probably one of each shade of skin, hehe).

To say that a light skinned person should not marry a darker skin person to me implies a very ungodly view of the world and people. If that were true, then my wife should divorce my pasty-white self during the winter because I get lighter, or she should divorce me in the summer the first time I get a nice tan. That is how ridiculous that view is. Or that is like saying blondes shouldn’t marry or date people with darker hair!

The only scriptures people ever try to use is the part in the Old Testament about “tribes mixing.” In this context, it is obviously talking about other religions. Furthermore, we aren’t in Israel in the tribes are we? Didn’t think so. God does not divide us based on skin color or “race.” God only divides us based on “righteous and unrighteous.” He judges on inward things, not outward appearances.

Although I will say this: There may be social discrimination if two people of distinct “races” marry. So be prepared for society to give you trouble at points in time. But that is their problem, not yours.

But that does sometimes hurt people (and any children they may have), so you should be aware of that. The good news is that hopefully racism is dying down with each new generation, until it is completely gone forever. I don’t think this is nearly as big of an issue as it was in the past (thank God).

Conclusion: Dating, Marriage, and God…Oh My!

I think it is clear that there is nothing wrong with a Christian going on a casual (and innocent) date with an individual to get to know them. Once they get to know them, however, I think it is best to stick with people of the same world-view/faith.

The couples should discuss faith very openly and deeply and make sure they are on the same page before jumping into a life-long marriage or having premarital sex. After all, sex makes babies ya know!

For those who are already married and converted to follow Christ, take Paul’s advice. Strive to stick with your spouse and love them, even if they don’t follow God. Only seek to separate as a last resort and in extreme circumstances only.

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Posted under bible questions, marriage and divorce