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One of the common criticisms I hear about Christianity is that people often feel as if Christians “hate” people, and are very judgemental. This, in some ways, is true. However, in some ways, it isn’t true. In this article, I will attempt to explain why Christians give off this vibe, and are sometimes mislabeled as “hateful or judgemental.” I will also explain why sometimes we are (admittedly) very judgemental.

Why Christians Hate People? Do They Really Hate People?

Whenever we say the word “Christians, it is hard to define each individual that claims to be a Christian. After all, one Christian may behave very differently from another. We are all unique with our own beliefs and personalities. I have known some amazing Christians, who made me want to work harder to be like them because they set such a great example.

In contrast, I have known some not-so-great Christians who made me feel disappointed in their actions or behaviors. So there is a very broad group of people within the Christian community, and it is important not to impose labels on Christianity as a whole, based on one person. In fact, Christianity should be based on one person’s actions alone: Jesus Christ. If you want to know how Christianity SHOULD be, and what a true Christian is, look at Jesus and only Jesus. Don’t look at me, your friend, or your local church.

But sometimes a Christian may seem as if they are hating against a certain group, or certain belief. Why is that? I’ll explain. Do you remember being in school, and there was always a “teacher’s pet?” You know who I am talking about, that person who always followed the rules. Who did everything by the book. Who also probably told on people who didn’t follow the rules….you get the idea.

Why did they do this? The answer is that there is simply something in human nature, that makes us all feel that when someone isn’t following the “rules,” it is wrong (especially when we take effort to follow them ourselves). When we work hard to live by a standard, we often expect others to do the same. It isn’t just Christianity, EVERY person and EVERY religion does this.

It doesn’t matter what it is. Imagine you go to work and plan on working really hard. Then, you see a fellow employee slacking. It probably frustrates you doesn’t it? You are holding yourself to a very high work standard, and when you see someone slacking off, you get frustrated and judgemental. In that same way, Christians are trying to be as “spiritually” hard working as possible. When they see someone slacking spiritually, they often want to help correct them, or may even make judgements about their behavior.

Christianity often sticks out in this regard. Why? Because many Christians have a very high level of morality defined in their mind. When they experience something in society that goes against this morality (and thus goes against God), they see this a very negative thing. Considering we are inundated with immorality, it makes for a frequent dynamic of criticisms from Christians.

You probably do the same thing on a daily basis, regardless of your own personal beliefs. For example, if I told you that a man down the street was molesting kids all the time, how would you feel about him? You would probably be disgusted wouldn’t you? You would look at him differently, and probably think his actions are highly inappropriate. Most people in society would.

Since Christians have a very strict moral code in mind for humanity, they do this same thing. Only, things like adultery, sexual promiscuity, homosexuality, pornography, and other things that are accepted as “normal” by many secular society members is believed to be “immoral” and wrong by Christians.

So Christians often allow this morality to affect their actions and beliefs in life. If they hear someone is doing something immoral, or trying to legalize something immoral, they can become quite vocal and express their opinion, sometimes pass judgements, and so forth.

So Do Christians Hate Non-Christians or Sinners?

God hates sin. Christians hate sin.

I hate the sins I have committed in my life. I absolutely hate them and regret them all. I am very judgemental towards my past sins, and realize how foolish I was. But does that mean I hate myself? Of course not.  Sins aren’t fun, and nothing good ever comes from sin. Sin leads to misery and death.

But that doesn’t mean that we hate people who sin. We hate the sin they do. We hate the affect of sin in people’s lives and in society. But we don’t hate the sinning people, per se. We have all sinned at some point. The bible says all men have fallen short of the glory of God.

One of the most famous sermons of Jesus gave was, “love your enemies.” That is powerful. Christians aren’t taught to “hate” sinners or hate people like some suggest. We are taught to love even our direct enemies! Wow. That is difficult.

But Christians are also taught to be wary of sin. To avoid sinful behavior, and stay on the narrow path in life. We are even told to avoid close associations with sinners, and to be a “light” for the world.

Because of this, we don’t think sin is cute, funny, or appropriate. We don’t tolerate sin being paraded around or celebrated. We also tend to look at any and all sins in the same way a non-religious person looks at a deranged serial killer. We think all sins are wrong and totally inappropriate. We struggle daily to resist the temptation to sin, and sometimes, fall short ourselves and we must then repent and turn away from sin.

Because we are so “aware” of sin, we often pass judgements and discernment’s on people, actions, and so forth.

Doesn’t the Bible Say Not to Judge? Why Do Christians Judge People?

It is true that Jesus told us the following:

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?—-Matthew 7:1-5

From the reading of this passage, it is clear that we shouldn’t be hypocrites when judging. In other words, if we say homosexuality is wrong, we should NOT go home and then engage in a homosexual relationship. If we say adultery is wrong, we better not be cheating on our spouses. And yes, there are some hypocrites in Christianity. But not all Christians judge hypocritically. Many judge appropriately.

The bible actually commands that we don’t judge HYPOCRITICALLY. It doesn’t say that we shouldn’t judge and discern behavior and people. In fact, it actually suggests that we should several times.

Matthew 7:15 tells us to do the following:

 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.

How would we know if someone was a “false prophet” unless we make judgements and discernments about their teachings and actions? We couldn’t! So must be able to judge people’s actions and teachings.

Again, in Romans 16:17 we find the following:

I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them.

And in 1 Colossians 5 we see:

 9 I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—  10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world.  11 But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?  13 God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked man from among you.”

In the verses above we see that again we are supposed to exercise caution, and a discerning judgment against all people, and even a stronger judgement for actual believers. Otherwise, how would we know if they were sexually immoral, greedy, or anything else unless we made that judgment about them in our mind?

Notice how Paul says that “God will judge those outside the church.” He is referring to the “Great Judgement” here. He is not saying we should not exercise caution and discerning judgment ourselves from ALL people. We should. He is simply saying that God will deal with those who reject him in the judgment, and Christians should help keep Christians in line by constantly encouraging, judging, and correcting each other when necessary. It is also important to judge ourselves.

Conclusion: All People Make Judgements, Not Just Christians. We Hate Sin, but Not Sinners

In conclusion, Christians hate sin, not sinners. We are told to love our enemies. At the same time, we are told to stay away from sinful behavior, to stay on the narrow path, and to keep God’s laws in our hearts and minds.

Thus, because we strive to do this, we must constantly judge ourselves and others’ behavior. We must correct sin in ourselves, and help instruct others of sins they may be doing.

This often gives Christians a label as if we are judgemental. Of course we are. I have yet to meet 1 human being of any religion that isn’t judgmental about something or someone. And the bible actually commands us to judge (just not hypocritically). Discerning things is a part of the human experience. We all think and reason, and because of this, we all make judgements daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute.

So yes, we judge sometimes. People have judged me in the past, which really made me upset. Until I had a reality check and realized they were right. Then, I was glad they pointed it out. It allowed me to improve myself, and become a better Christian.

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I had a great question come in yesterday regarding divorce and adultery, which is a huge issue in both Christianity and the world today. Here is the question:

I have been married for 13 years with 3 children(DNA proven)
I am totally faithful to my wife since we got married and my vows are clean till now. 10 years ago my wife went to sleep with a married man from 1999-2002.

Since 2002 she break ties with the lover after the abortion.
They slept 5x together and the fifth time my wife invited him to our home when I was away. The end scenario my wife got pregnant,took my money and Abort the baby for fear of being caught or loosing me.

Since then,it has been kept secret and I never knew about it. Last month I got a hint from a friend, I asked my wife and she confess to all and ask for forgiveness. I am a believer and i know i have biblical grounds for divorce.

The question is, CAN I FORGIVE HER BUT NOT STAYED MARRIED TO HER?

She said she is sorry but I don’t believe she is sorry because I found out and thats where the confession came.
Please help.

—Jacky

First of all, thanks so much for sharing your problems and for taking the time to write out your question. I know that when someone commits adultery, it can be one of the most terrible feelings in the world for the innocent spouse.

I know that finding out all of that information must have been devastating to you and your family. I just want to let you know that God is with you through all of this pain and frustration, and in the end it will all be okay.

This is a great question, and I would like to address several things about this.

What Your Wife Did Was Totally Wrong

Adultery is obviously a big thing the bible preaches against, and this example shows exactly why. I get a lot of people reading articles on this site about marriage and adultery, so I just want to briefly point out all the hurt this sin has caused (and why people should never do this):

• Your wife has hurt you
• Your wife has probably hurt your children
• Your wife killed an innocent child with abortion
• The person your wife was cheating with may be hurt
• There may be even more damage to come

Sin is like a cancer, and it spreads and hurts more and more people. I just point all of this out, for the simple reason that I want people to really see what happens when they choose to partake in the sin of adultery. I hope all people guard themselves against this sin (and all sin), as it never leads to a positive outcome.

Again, I want to commend you and thank you if you have truly been faithful, and don’t forget that God sees your faithfulness and will judge you by your faith and obedience!

Can You Forgive Your Wife and Still Divorce Her?

The bible does have much to say about forgiveness. It constantly says we are to forgive others as God forgives us. After all, if God truly forgives us for the many sins we commit, shouldn’t we also forgive others against the sins they do to us as well? Sure. Here are some verses that deal with forgiveness:

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’” (Matthew 18:21-22 ).

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14).

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Does Forgiveness Mean You Have To Remain Married? What Does Forgiveness Mean Anyway?

Forgiveness is an interesting thing to consider, because many times I think Christians often wonder, “What is true forgiveness?” Can we forgive someone, but still demand certain things? Can we forgive someone, but avoid allowing the same thing to happen again?

These are all interesting things to consider, but first let me define forgiveness. Here are a few definitions of the word forgiveness from the web:

•compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive
•the act of excusing a mistake or offense
•Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. …

So we see that forgiveness often means the willingness to excuse a mistake, and to not have feelings of resentment, anger, or plans to get revenge. I think the biblical meaning of forgiveness can be summarized by the following:

1. We have compassion towards people and make an honest attempt to let past mistakes “go” and forget about them the best we can and love them again.
2. We do not seek to “get even” or make revenge against someone, vengeance is God’s.
3. In some cases we should no longer expect a person to be punished, but in many cases (even though we forgive), consequences still happen as a result of the sin.

Examples Of Forgiveness with Consequences as a Result of Sin

Even though we are to forgive people as God forgives us, we should also look at God’s actions to help us get a better understanding of what Godly forgiveness is all about.

One thing that we will immediately see is that even though God forgives us for our sins (meaning he holds no record of them in the judgment), we still have to deal with consequences of our actions. Consider these examples:

Adam and eve sinned against God. I think we can all agree that Adam and Eve most likely repented during their life. Did God forgive them? Doesn’t he forgive us all? Yet notice this: He never let them back into the garden, and they had a sharp consequence that lasted their entire lives (death, childbirth pain, struggles, etc.).

Moses sinned against God when he hit the rock with a stick to make water come out (without giving God the credit), and what happened? God didn’t allow Moses to enter the Holy land. He only was able to see it before dying. Yet didn’t God forgive Moses? Surely. But once again, even though God forgave Moses, there was still a consequence of his sin.

David sinned against God when he numbered Israel. David repented, but notice that God still punishes him as a consequence. So in this case, God certainly forgives David, but David must still face a consequence of his sin against God.

In those same ways, I think as Christians we need to forgive all people. At the same time, sometimes the sin itself will make things change (sometimes for a lifetime), and that is a definite consequence of the sin that remains even after forgiveness.

Some More Extreme Examples of Forgiveness

Let’s say a child was molested by an adult. Should that child forgive them when they get older? Sure. Should that molester not face any consequences? Of course they should. Any molester should have to face the justice system of our courts. So even though the child can forgive them in his or her heart, they should NOT place themselves in a situation to be molested again by this person, and they should still report it to the authorities.

Or let’s say a person murdered someone. The victim’s family can forgive the murderer, but does that mean the murderer shouldn’t go to trial and then jail? I think we can all agree that even though the family forgives the murderer, they still must face the consequences of their sin.

And you ask if you can forgive an adulterous spouse, and still divorce them? I think the answer is: Yes, you can forgive someone, and still divorce them as a consequence of the sin. However, divorce may not be the best option, and you must be very cautious about this.

Is Divorce Always the Best Option? Should You Divorce Your Wife?

The bible certainly does say that if you have a spouse cheat on you (adultery), you can seek a divorce. That is God’s word, and God’s laws concerning marriage. But keep in mind that you aren’t required to do so. In fact, if you feel things can be worked out, that is usually the best option.

The tricky part of this situation is the time that has passed. You said you have been married for 13 years, your wife started to cheat 10 years ago, and continued the affair for 3 years (having 5 different times she did this). She stopped in 2002.

Okay, so if my math is right, for the last 7 years (it is now 2009) your wife has NOT been cheating to your knowledge. So what I would consider is this:

• How has your relationship been the past 7 years? Has it been loving and close, or distanced and not good?
• Is your wife willing to stop cheating forever?
• Is your wife genuinely sorry, or does she not really care?
• Do you still love your wife, and does your wife love you?
• Does your wife feel bad about everything and truly feel sorry and regret it?
• How has this affected your relationship, your kids, and so forth
• Are you both willing to work on your relationship and keep it?

I think you should really consider those things very carefully. If your wife is truly sorry, and this happened 7 years ago, perhaps she does feel guilty and wants to be with you.

If you were able to work it out, then I think that may be the best option, especially if your wife wants to remain with you and turn away from her sin. Sometimes a person may commit adultery, and feel terrible. They are able to work it out with their spouse, and the two people are able to move on and have a long and happy marriage.

Other times, the consequences of the adultery are so bad, that divorce is sometimes a better option. Sometimes couples can never overcome the adultery, and it is a constant strain and source of pain and conflict, and divorce eventually happens.

Again, you have children, and a lot of things to really consider. In most cases, divorce is not the best option if it can be avoided. But in some cases, perhaps a divorce would be appropriate.

Just consider all of the pain, frustration, and so forth that can arise during the divorce process. Also, consider how it may affect your children.

Conclusion: Some Final Words on Divorce, and Forgiveness

We are definitely commanded to forgive in the Bible. God forgives us, and we should forgive others. But when someone does something, we can forgive them, but that doesn’t erase the cause and effect consequences of that sin. And while me must forgive over and over, that does NOT mean we must always place ourselves in a situation to be hurt over and over.

God forgave a great many people, yet we see that He still forces us to face the Earthly cause and effect consequences in the examples I provided above.

Your wife certainly did wrong, and I know that must really hurt. You certainly can forgive your wife and still love her, while still exercising your biblical right to divorce.

However, it may not be the best option, especially if you feel your relationship can be resolved. I would pray very hard about this, read scriptures, and talk to Godly friends or a pastor to get more advice. I would be very slow to act, and I would do any and everything I could to resolve this and try to work things out with your wife. If things cannot be resolved, or your wife does this again, then divorce may be appropriate for you.

After all, you certainly wouldn’t want to risk contracting an STD (sexually transmitted disease) or something like this if your wife is not willing to stop this behavior. God has called us to peace and happiness friend.

So in conclusion, I hope everything works out for the best with you, your wife, and your children. I hope God is with you through this, and I am saying a prayer right now as I type this.

Stay strong to God’s word, and let Him guide you. Thanks again, and God bless!

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Posted under bible questions, marriage and divorce